Comments for Guess What Normal Is http://guesswhatnormalis.com Just another WordPress site Sat, 05 May 2012 16:25:35 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment on Your Inner Prostitute: Selling Out to Survive vs. Self-Respect by Amy Eden http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2012/04/your-inner-prostitute-selling-out-to-survive-vs-self-respect/#comment-10545 Amy Eden Sat, 05 May 2012 16:25:35 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/?p=1587#comment-10545 Reading that made my heart ache, Carl. You deserved more. Being pushed into the adult role by parents behaving like children is an unfortunate reality for us, those "raised" (can't help put that in quotes, since it's a verb) by addicts. I would argue that a child cannot be a Prostitute (in the archetypal sense), because they are not on their own, they are dependent--in the most real sense--on others for their physical security. (However, as you and I both know, we shouldn't grow up being reminded that our physical safety is tenuous or at risk, or used as a manipulation ("I put this roof over your head...obey me!" b.s.)) Even though I don't believe we can invoke the Prostitute as children, I do see that we can grow up much, much more likely to invoke our inner Prostitute because of being so painfully aware of the instability of our physical safety as kids. Our faith starts out shaky, at best. I like what Myss wrote about faith, too. If I truly believe that options exist, I will perceive my situation as a choice, not a floatation device keeping me above water. I was raised being "told" not just non-verbally (abandonment) but also verbally that physical safety was not real, and was certainly not a given, not deserved. I don't know if he still believes it, but my father once shouted to me across the front seat of his car, "Safe!? You don't feel safe?! Safety doesn't exist! There is no safety in this world. It's not a right. Nobody "deserves" safety." Never did forget that discussion. And can't disagree with it more. Thanks for this dialogue! Reading that made my heart ache, Carl. You deserved more.

Being pushed into the adult role by parents behaving like children is an unfortunate reality for us, those “raised” (can’t help put that in quotes, since it’s a verb) by addicts. I would argue that a child cannot be a Prostitute (in the archetypal sense), because they are not on their own, they are dependent–in the most real sense–on others for their physical security. (However, as you and I both know, we shouldn’t grow up being reminded that our physical safety is tenuous or at risk, or used as a manipulation (“I put this roof over your head…obey me!” b.s.))
Even though I don’t believe we can invoke the Prostitute as children, I do see that we can grow up much, much more likely to invoke our inner Prostitute because of being so painfully aware of the instability of our physical safety as kids. Our faith starts out shaky, at best.

I like what Myss wrote about faith, too. If I truly believe that options exist, I will perceive my situation as a choice, not a floatation device keeping me above water. I was raised being “told” not just non-verbally (abandonment) but also verbally that physical safety was not real, and was certainly not a given, not deserved. I don’t know if he still believes it, but my father once shouted to me across the front seat of his car, “Safe!? You don’t feel safe?! Safety doesn’t exist! There is no safety in this world. It’s not a right. Nobody “deserves” safety.” Never did forget that discussion. And can’t disagree with it more.

Thanks for this dialogue!

]]> Comment on Your Inner Prostitute: Selling Out to Survive vs. Self-Respect by Carl http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2012/04/your-inner-prostitute-selling-out-to-survive-vs-self-respect/#comment-10361 Carl Tue, 01 May 2012 05:33:16 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/?p=1587#comment-10361 Throughout my growing up, I always had real hope that someday there would be a good listener who could help me work through the survival stuff and I would re-discover my innocence and feeling clean and wholesome. Like Myss is saying: “Confronting the Prostitute within you transforms this archetype into your guardian. It will watch over your relationship to faith." I've experienced this in recent times. It was my little mustard seed of resilience. Remembering back many years, early in elementary school taking on a lot of responsibility for my Mom, the alcoholic and walking a very delicate line to not disturb the very fragile painting of our family that my Dad was trying to keep from dripping off the canvas that was our home. He didn't mean to seem so scary. I didn't understand at that young age but I was learning to live two lives. The one that others outside the family knew and the other selling myself out for the safety of my younger sibling and myself. This is a really good discussion from your reading. It's very helpful to me to dip into the well for this topic. Thanks Amy Throughout my growing up, I always had real hope that someday there would be a good listener who could help me work through the survival stuff and I would re-discover my innocence and feeling clean and wholesome. Like Myss is saying: “Confronting the Prostitute within you transforms this archetype into your guardian. It will watch over your relationship to faith.”
I’ve experienced this in recent times. It was my little mustard seed of resilience. Remembering back many years, early in elementary school taking on a lot of responsibility for my Mom, the alcoholic and walking a very delicate line to not disturb the very fragile painting of our family that my Dad was trying to keep from dripping off the canvas that was our home. He didn’t mean to seem so scary. I didn’t understand at that young age but I was learning to live two lives. The one that others outside the family knew and the other selling myself out for the safety of my younger sibling and myself. This is a really good discussion from your reading. It’s very helpful to me to dip into the well for this topic.
Thanks Amy

]]> Comment on Your Inner Prostitute: Selling Out to Survive vs. Self-Respect by Amy Eden http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2012/04/your-inner-prostitute-selling-out-to-survive-vs-self-respect/#comment-10321 Amy Eden Mon, 30 Apr 2012 14:49:05 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/?p=1587#comment-10321 Thanks, Carl. Writing that one, and reading the book, was very evocative. Sometimes it's not the job or the relationship itself (but very well can be), rather it's the dynamic, if I think, "Why am I in this stupid job where I'm miserable and hate my coworkers this much...?" I'm enslaved; but if my thought is slightly different, and I think, "This job isn't perfect and not the best fit for my skills, but my plan involves this job and doing it for another two years in order to resolve my debts--then I'll get a different, more suitable job," that's choosing it, not a victim mentality. It can change though - if the job or relationship environment changes for the worst, we then re-evaluate. When we re-evaluate, if we don't respect our Self, then we're going to struggle to perceive the options for exit that are at our disposal. That's exactly where we get stuck - and start to invoke the whore archetype. (I think much of the dynamic is historical. How many of us grew up listening to our parents talk about how personally challenging and exciting their jobs were, as we all sat around the dinner table tense, anxious and waiting for a plate to go flying across the room? Or, rather...how often did we hear them complain about other people at work, who were stupid, or power-tripping...I heard that a lot. I heard solutions...rarely.) Thanks, Carl.
Writing that one, and reading the book, was very evocative.
Sometimes it’s not the job or the relationship itself (but very well can be), rather it’s the dynamic, if I think, “Why am I in this stupid job where I’m miserable and hate my coworkers this much…?” I’m enslaved; but if my thought is slightly different, and I think, “This job isn’t perfect and not the best fit for my skills, but my plan involves this job and doing it for another two years in order to resolve my debts–then I’ll get a different, more suitable job,” that’s choosing it, not a victim mentality. It can change though – if the job or relationship environment changes for the worst, we then re-evaluate.
When we re-evaluate, if we don’t respect our Self, then we’re going to struggle to perceive the options for exit that are at our disposal. That’s exactly where we get stuck – and start to invoke the whore archetype.
(I think much of the dynamic is historical. How many of us grew up listening to our parents talk about how personally challenging and exciting their jobs were, as we all sat around the dinner table tense, anxious and waiting for a plate to go flying across the room? Or, rather…how often did we hear them complain about other people at work, who were stupid, or power-tripping…I heard that a lot. I heard solutions…rarely.)

]]> Comment on Your Inner Prostitute: Selling Out to Survive vs. Self-Respect by Carl http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2012/04/your-inner-prostitute-selling-out-to-survive-vs-self-respect/#comment-10264 Carl Sun, 29 Apr 2012 06:18:06 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/?p=1587#comment-10264 Loyalty - wow - I thought that was one of my esteemed character traits - wrong, i sold it, it wasn't true loyalty, i knew it all along from the beginning that I was subverting the idea. The idea that used me was: "if you show me a little kindness I will be your slave. Or more precisely: "I will be loyal and I hope you will be kind to me. Those are seeds in my apple core. I want to exchange those seeds for a core of self-respect. Thanks for meeting with this topic head on, Amy Loyalty – wow – I thought that was one of my esteemed character traits – wrong, i sold it, it wasn’t true loyalty, i knew it all along from the beginning that I was subverting the idea. The idea that used me was: “if you show me a little kindness I will be your slave. Or more precisely: “I will be loyal and I hope you will be kind to me. Those are seeds in my apple core. I want to exchange those seeds for a core of self-respect. Thanks for meeting with this topic head on, Amy

]]> Comment on Parenting Anew by Amy Eden http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2011/03/parenting-anew/#comment-10220 Amy Eden Sat, 28 Apr 2012 17:29:58 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2011/03/parenting-anew/#comment-10220 My pleasure! I'm so glad to hear it's hitting the spot. And how gratifying that you get to see your kids feeling it, too - that's a very exciting result of the work you're doing. What's different...is it more internal, or what are you seeing? My pleasure! I’m so glad to hear it’s hitting the spot. And how gratifying that you get to see your kids feeling it, too – that’s a very exciting result of the work you’re doing. What’s different…is it more internal, or what are you seeing?

]]> Comment on Parenting Anew by Cat http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2011/03/parenting-anew/#comment-9914 Cat Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:31:58 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2011/03/parenting-anew/#comment-9914 Thank you so much for blogging! these articles have become a major source of self reflection and healing for me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there who deals with similar conflicts and confusions within. Between a good therapist and a daily dose of Guess What Normal Is, I'm feeling very nourished and am starting to live from a place of joy rather than fear, I never knew it was possible, I'm seeing a difference with my children too. Thank you Amy! Thank you so much for blogging! these articles have become a major source of self reflection and healing for me. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one out there who deals with similar conflicts and confusions within. Between a good therapist and a daily dose of Guess What Normal Is, I’m feeling very nourished and am starting to live from a place of joy rather than fear, I never knew it was possible, I’m seeing a difference with my children too. Thank you Amy!

]]> Comment on 2 Secret Self-Esteem Tools for Tackling Your Self-Hate (Part 2) by Jane Eichner http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2012/04/2-secret-self-esteem-tools-for-tackling-your-self-hate-part-2/#comment-9814 Jane Eichner Sun, 22 Apr 2012 05:49:48 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/?p=1544#comment-9814 Love the ocean wave analogy. Maybe curling my toes will be like an anchor--whenever someone is confrontational with me, I'll remember to curl my toes, breathe, and think to myself, "This too shall recede." Thanks for being a comforting voice of reason out there! Love the ocean wave analogy. Maybe curling my toes will be like an anchor–whenever someone is confrontational with me, I’ll remember to curl my toes, breathe, and think to myself, “This too shall recede.” Thanks for being a comforting voice of reason out there!

]]> Comment on 2 Secret Self-Esteem Tools for Tackling Your Self-Hate (Part 2) by Amy Eden http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2012/04/2-secret-self-esteem-tools-for-tackling-your-self-hate-part-2/#comment-9788 Amy Eden Sat, 21 Apr 2012 18:21:32 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/?p=1544#comment-9788 Hi Jane. This is such a good question. For me, the answer has been that I've come to trust my body to tell me when it's a trigger situation -- my gut, my forearms (which get tight when I'm anxious), my chest/lungs (which burn when I feel attacked), and my stomach. Somewhere along the road I began to listen to those bodily, or systemic, signs of distress. And, this is the biggie: to trust they are right. Actually, I think it's a two-part tool, that I hear the information (shortened breath/holding breath/lung burn) and then that I believe it to be factual. I think I first started by leaving the scene -- saying things like, Let me get back to you, I'll be right back, or whatever...ways to get physical distance from a stressful situation, without apologizing and excusing myself in order to gain that space. You know what I mean? Then I tried to find ways to find a middle-ground so that a situation didn't feel attack-y, so that I felt safe, but also so that I didn't feel like I was selling myself out just to make the conflict/confrontation end. I'm very motivated to resolve perceived conflict as quickly as possible, because it's so powerfully unpleasant. I think the way to come at this is to work on the issue of believing in one's gut, believing that your own sense of a situation is 100% RIGHT, for you, and that you can withstand the discomfort of a conflict. Conflict is like an ocean wave that will roll over and seemingly drown us, but then--if we just curl our toes and hold on--it does recede. It does. This is such a great question and has really got me thinking about when this began to click for me. I get it "right" 80% of the time, not always, for sure not always. But when I succumb to the "I'm sorry!" escape route...well, I just accept that it's what I needed to do at the time. It's a process. I hope something here is helpful....! AE Hi Jane. This is such a good question. For me, the answer has been that I’ve come to trust my body to tell me when it’s a trigger situation — my gut, my forearms (which get tight when I’m anxious), my chest/lungs (which burn when I feel attacked), and my stomach. Somewhere along the road I began to listen to those bodily, or systemic, signs of distress. And, this is the biggie: to trust they are right. Actually, I think it’s a two-part tool, that I hear the information (shortened breath/holding breath/lung burn) and then that I believe it to be factual. I think I first started by leaving the scene — saying things like, Let me get back to you, I’ll be right back, or whatever…ways to get physical distance from a stressful situation, without apologizing and excusing myself in order to gain that space. You know what I mean? Then I tried to find ways to find a middle-ground so that a situation didn’t feel attack-y, so that I felt safe, but also so that I didn’t feel like I was selling myself out just to make the conflict/confrontation end. I’m very motivated to resolve perceived conflict as quickly as possible, because it’s so powerfully unpleasant. I think the way to come at this is to work on the issue of believing in one’s gut, believing that your own sense of a situation is 100% RIGHT, for you, and that you can withstand the discomfort of a conflict. Conflict is like an ocean wave that will roll over and seemingly drown us, but then–if we just curl our toes and hold on–it does recede. It does.
This is such a great question and has really got me thinking about when this began to click for me. I get it “right” 80% of the time, not always, for sure not always. But when I succumb to the “I’m sorry!” escape route…well, I just accept that it’s what I needed to do at the time. It’s a process. I hope something here is helpful….!
AE

]]> Comment on 2 Secret Self-Esteem Tools for Tackling Your Self-Hate (Part 2) by Jane Eichner http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2012/04/2-secret-self-esteem-tools-for-tackling-your-self-hate-part-2/#comment-9758 Jane Eichner Sat, 21 Apr 2012 07:01:17 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/?p=1544#comment-9758 Hi Amy, Just reading about your experience caused me palpable feelings of sympathy anxiety! Kudos to you for being composed enough, and present enough to stand up for yourself. My issue is that, when something similar happens to me, I react immediately (as if my very life depended on my response)... with my toolbox of apologies and reasons and more apologies...ugh. My question is, how do you get to a place where you don't just instantly react to such triggers? I'm wanting to get past feeling like a cornered animal whenever I am faced with conflict. Hi Amy,
Just reading about your experience caused me palpable feelings of sympathy anxiety! Kudos to you for being composed enough, and present enough to stand up for yourself. My issue is that, when something similar happens to me, I react immediately (as if my very life depended on my response)… with my toolbox of apologies and reasons and more apologies…ugh. My question is, how do you get to a place where you don’t just instantly react to such triggers? I’m wanting to get past feeling like a cornered animal whenever I am faced with conflict.

]]> Comment on Your Radar’s Not Broken, You Know When Someone’s Bad for You by Rebecca Coar http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2011/08/your-radars-not-broken-you-know-when-someones-bad-for-you/#comment-9515 Rebecca Coar Tue, 17 Apr 2012 13:53:55 +0000 http://guesswhatnormalis.com/2011/08/your-radars-not-broken-you-know-when-someones-bad-for-you/#comment-9515 seriously enjoyed this page, keep them coming seriously enjoyed this page, keep them coming

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