Another person’s lack of self-control can erode the trust of those around him. If you’ve lived with or cared about addicts of any kind, you may be familiar with that sensation that hits your gut — a mild queasy feeling — when their actions don’t match their words. It’s not that they can’t justify their [...]
Are you the kind of person who has always spent time with friends, family, or co-workers one-on-one, rather than in small groups It seems to me that people tend to fall into two types, being either ‘group’ people or ‘solo’ people. I’m not naturally a group person. In the past I’ve never been one to [...]
But, whose commitment issues are you most concerned about? Are you concerned about your ability to live up to commitments? Or, as you more concerned about the lack of someone else’s ability to commit? My guess is that we’re more concerned with the commitments that we wish other people would make to us than our own commitments. That’s classic ACA behavior (wishing that someone were “more” than what they are.) If you’re the over-achieving type of ACA, then you probably are very reliable and very critical of the inability of others to be just as reliable as you are. You may even unconsciously ‘test’ people on this.
What does it look like when you’re at peace, and not behaving like someone obsessed with control? You don’t plan out conversations; you go with the flow when plans change because you are your own center-home, you say what you really think no matter what impression it may give others of you, you ask others for help because you don’t need to give off the impression of complete self-sufficiency, you can enjoy a movie even if you’re not sitting in the ‘perfect’ front-and-center seat; you apologize easily, you tell the truth, and you let others express their opinions freely, and you let them have the last word.
You are going to try to convince yourself to leave your relationship, and have in the past, right? I have. We’re wired for it! My advice is this: agree with yourself that you will recognize and allow that part of yourself to exist, but don’t react to that voice. Stay. (Same goes for your job, and friendships – you probably hear that little voice, that hurting child in you, saying ‘let’s get out of here,’ fairly frequently.) When it’s no longer time to stay, if that moment comes, trust yourself that you will absolutely know it and that you will act accordingly.
