We feel so broken sometimes. So put upon. So tired. Must we always have to re-do, do-over, re-jigger, and work so, so hard to have a normal, right, life? Depends on how you look at it. The un-chosen, poorly-tuned, oblivious life isn’t very rewarding, so in that sense the oh-so-hard work is worth it. And, [...]
The pain of others, that is. Who would want to breathe in, inhale, suck up the pain, illness, and damage that’s in others? Eww. That was the train of thought that started, reactively, in my mind as I read a really interesting (and life-enhancing) article, “Love & Emptiness,” in the magazine Shambhala Sun. (The January [...]
It’s a new year, right? New year, new you, new habits, new goodness and trying harder, right? (Just making sure.) So, let’s get down to adult child basics. Some simple stretches. OK? First, a disclaimer: I make a point not to endorse twelve-step groups as part of GWNI (just as twelve-step groups take care not [...]
You ever notice how when you go at your partner with strong emotions, it pushes him or her away? Isn’t that weird? Ever wonder how that works, exactly? How could your important, strong, emotions become a big cow plow, ramming the person you care about most out of your path? I mean, you just want them close, right? [...]
This post is for people who love an adult child. I receive a lot of emails from people who are in a relationship with an adult child of alcoholics. They are trying to understand the person they love, or are trying to love, but they don't know how to decipher the code of adult [...]
Can’t we evaluate our past and current relationships in more particular and less judgmental terms? We must try. I mean, we chose our relationships, so we ought to take responsibility for those choices and view them with a sympathetic mind. Take responsibility; labeling the relationship or other person ‘bad’ isn’t just over-simplification, it’s also a form of denying personal responsibility.
The more I write about issues of adult children of alcoholics, the more I realize this fact: almost all of our issues are tied to not enough self-acceptance. It accounts for why we lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. It’s why we are full of generalized shame, that fear of being found out, and why we feel so easily criticized and then become angry, defensive… We’re chameleons, becoming whatever they want, as if by instinct, all because we don’t accept ourselves as we are.
Anybody who grew up in an alcoholic family is going to experience feelings of fear in a relationship at some point, and not just once. When we’re talking to ourselves in our heads (“She doesn’t really love me,” or “He’s going to cheat on me.”), we don’t know which voice is helping us and which is hurting us. Is it the old voice or the new, real me?
How are we supposed to know how to decipher the difference between what we think is true, and what is actually true, particularly in relationships? Do you know when it’s an old fear rearing its head and when is it a real issue relevant to the present day that you need to address constructively? How does someone whose natural doubts are valid apply present-day hope and faith to confusing, emotional situations?
We become lost in intimate relationships. We’re not sure exactly when it happens. Yet, it does. If our partner were to say, “Where are you going?” you’d likely say, “Wherever you’re going, wherever you want me to go.” Well, perhaps actually asked that question, you wouldn’t answer it that way. But, subconsciously that is the answer we give – it’s what we do. That is a state of ‘lost’ not just in your relationship, but in yourself. You recognize it physically as a feeling of being disoriented, fuzzy in the head, unsure of what you want, where you want to go, or even who you now are.
In the simplest terms, triangling means that you and someone else are talking about someone who isn’t there. It can mean that you are relating to the other person by means of discussing a third party. (There are more complex versions of triangling, but that’s the basic idea.)
