Tool #2 – Don’t Believe What You Think This is part two on Self-Esteem and my post from last week, inspired by an important book ($12) – Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem The first tool from the book that I shared in last week’s Part 1 [...]
I’m re-reading a remarkable, practical self-help book, Self-Esteem, which is in its third edition and subtitled, A proven program of cognitive techniques for assessing, improving & maintaining your self-esteem. Between them, the authors, Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning have written many, many other self-help guides as well. The first time I read Self-Esteem, and then [...]
You might think that “abuse” means just physically-abusive situations, that crazy couple in the neighborhood who fight so loud everyone can hear it, kids screaming and crying, too, and they nearly burn their house down…but before it gets to that, the cops show up and shove an angry man into the back of a squad car… Sure. [...]
Another person’s lack of self-control can erode the trust of those around him. If you’ve lived with or cared about addicts of any kind, you may be familiar with that sensation that hits your gut — a mild queasy feeling — when their actions don’t match their words. It’s not that they can’t justify their [...]
How scary is it to draw a line you’re not OK with people crossing and to defend it? 100% frightening. People who grewup in dysfunctional families are an extraordinarily loyal bunch. All the books about dysfunctional families and alcoholic/addict family systems point to the skewed politics of internalizations of loyalty and the fact that no [...]
I expected to be writing a mega-post about PTSD, but today I need to rant on about a well-meaning phrase (in truth, I hope this is much more than a rant—I hope there’s something insightful and helpful by the end). You all know this phrase. It makes me want to scream whenever I hear it, [...]
Last week I interviewed Lisa Brookes Kift, licensed psychotherapist (MFT) and author, about Family of Origin work. Lisa is a licensed psychotherapist (MFT), based in Marin, California, with a former career in movie production (The Toolbox at Lisa Kift Therapy). She is the author of the Therapy-at-Home Workbooks, and writer for PsychCentral.com, HitchedMag.com, Examiner.com, MoreMarin.com, and more. [...]
I think that most people could care less what’s inside a wrapped box. I’m psyched to receive just about anything. But some people–uh, narcissists–open presents seeking themselves. They approach gifts with a narcissistic mind, believing that your present to them is a reflection of them. They believe your gift is an expression of who they are in your eyes, which, naturally, is extremely interesting to them. But, of course, your gift does not define them, reflect them, or justify their existence. It’s just a gift. The best you and I can do is to detach from worrying about how a narcissist reacts to your gift to him or her. Whatever their reaction is – that’s theirs. You did your bit by giving something that’s better than a box of Wheaties. Also, we should take care not to expect self-definition from the gifts we receive.
Just before she died, I’d started ‘going public’ about my mom–that is, making a point to mention her existence to people, and opening letters or gifts from her in open rooms and around other people. By integrating her, even if in an awkward way, into my life, I began to get how much I’d hidden her, repressed her, because…I feared becoming her. I was afraid she’d rub off on me, her addiction, her mental illness, her beyond-alternative lifestyle. I’d handled her gifts and letters like a highly-contagious virus, holding the things briefly, then hiding them away.
When one member changes his or her reaction pattern, it gives others room for their own growth. If you can use the holidays to stop over-reacting to others and taking their comments personally, you will give others room to access and show their better selves as well. Keep in mind that your family is doing the best that they can at this time in their life and emotional environment. You, too, are doing the best you can. Be compassionate to yourself and expect of others only what you know is actually realistic. Honor the boundaries and emotional and psychological limitations of others. Don’t get distracted from cultivating your true self by focusing on the inadequacies of your family.
