Scared? Stuck? Hey Fear, Back Off—I’ve Got Options and a Process!

Something I learned from my therapist not long ago is that when I have a clear sense of alternatives, of options, that not only do I immediately feel less stuck, saner, but I can also then be moved into action.  That is, I perceive that not only do alternatives and options exist in life in general, but also alternatives to the very first option that comes to my mind as well (that first idea, the one that seems best, the one I’m liable to get quickly attached to). There.  I cracked a window.  Now I can see, and feel, out of what was feeling like an airless, walled room. 

Sensing Options.   One aspect of having options is sensing that you do. Perceiving options, or having a life approach that allows you to believe options always exist—even if the first option isn’t “ideal,” it’s one you know will lead to a better one. When you’re driving in a car, you probably have the windows up, and you probably have the doors locked, too (especially if you’re car automatically locks).  How often would you say that you worry out not being able to get out of the car?  How often do you roll down the windows or keep the doors unlocked due to a fear that you won’t be able to escape?


Maybe that’s slightly ridiculous example, but this “sensing” I’m talking about is an inside-you feeling, a deep knowing and belief, it’s about how you perceive your self in the world–it means knowing and sensing that you will be all right.  You can leave the party early if you don’t have fun, that you can report a co-worker who says derogatory things to you, that you can bring your lunch if you don’t like what the cafeteria offers (like because it’s going to give you diabetes), you believe that can get to work in a different way, on a different bus, earlier, etc., or that you can change your household routine to improve your enjoyment and efficiency at home, that you can move to be closer to your job, that you can leave a relationship, that you can re-use an airline ticket another time, that you can skip the wedding to go to your grandmother’s funeral, etc. You’re not stuck, whether it’s a big deal or a small one.  (A coworker of mine started taking an earlier bus (by a few minutes) when she realized that the polite chit-chat between her and another rider at the bus stop was bound to hamper her sense of “me” time in the morning—she didn’t think, “I’m trapped,” and suffer through months of chit-chat.  Nope, she grabbed a different bus.)

A few weeks ago I ran across this quote (and ran across it again today)—it’s appropriate here:

“It always seems impossible, until it is done.”  –Nelson Mandela

Try, try, try.  Keep pushing forward.  When you’re stuck, still try, no matter how small and incrementally you do it, push through till options come into view—just drop down and do one sit-up (or knee-up chair-up in your cubicle—nobody’s looking), one 15 minute brisk walk or five laps around your house (go!), one phone call to a friend (leave a message), one networking appointment, one smile, one hug, one laugh, and on and on.

You know how people say, “Well, at least you have options.” And when they say that, it’s always a positive?  Yep.  And…not having options?  Well, that’s an alleyway with a bricked-up opening at the end.  Not having options isn’t good, and ‘no options,’ while just a perception and not a reality, is the domain of the doomed character in movies and books; for humans outside of plot-driven storylines, it’s known as bottom. (Ah, yes, you’ve heard of it.) Even then, your options, while crazy-limited and pretty crappy, do still exist.

Options can be Interconnected.  You have options.  Always and no matter what you have options.  Maybe your first, immediately available option isn’t the most ideal (catching the bus a few minutes earlier), and it involves sacrifice.  Yet, keep in mind that one decision, one option, can be attached like an oxygen molecule to the next option that exists, and thereby be improved by it.

(Now, unless you’re on a true downward spiral and your spirit isn’t accessible and you’re not listening to your heart, have given up on yourself—if you’ve chosen denial and blindness over what’s actually happening in your life right now—well, that’s a whole different spiritual state than the everyday, or even mid-life crisis stuck-ness I’m talking about.)

Knowing Your Options.  So, there’s sensing options (you can leave the party, take two cars, if you don’t like it, etc.) and then there’s the intellectual knowing of options, which is more planning-oriented. It might scare you, but I urge you to talk out and write out alternatives—all the alternative options you can possibly think of—to your current “stuck” situation.  I mean that, yes, you should include every single option, including those that you have no intention of taking, ridiculous solutions, funny solutions (especially).  Why?  You must include options that seem unlike you, wacky or desperate, because doing so will free you up and help you get detached from the ‘first’ or ‘seemingly best’ alternative. You don’t want to go from stuck to…stuck, right?

This process will open your thinking.  It’ll also absorb your fear!  Do it. More and more it will become like a game, so, so much less like life-and-death.

Uncover Your Options in 5 Steps

1.)  Identify the problem and write down the thing you want to get un-stuck

2.)  Options* Options, Options—come up with, and write down, all the possible options you can think of (absolutely consult friends, your therapist (probably not your parents), and Google articles).  Again, all options, no matter how outlandish or unfeasible.  *This is the most time-consuming, difficult, and volatile step

3.)  Choose 2-3 options, then refine them—make notes, talk through them, think through them and get a sense of the pros and cons of each

4.)  Act on your options—choose one, the seemingly best option (for now!) and try it out

5.)  Track it—make a calendar note for 1 week from now, then 3 weeks from now, to set aside a time to reflect on the quality of the decision.  Be sure to refine and tweak, making any necessary adjustments to the routine/change from time to time

So, like, do it.

There is undoubtedly something in your life, no matter how small—like how you make coffee, or when—that could use some tweaking.  Tackling the “small” stuff will give you the courage and process to tackle the bigger, scarier stuff.

Free up all the stuck-ness you can.

Be kind to yourself.

 

Comments

  1. [...] Threshold – good for you! You sound so strong and empowered. Although I am very much still getting used to it, I LOVE knowing I have options, always. One day I was feeling pretty down and sorry for myself because I'm the only one in my family not in denial and I was missing my ex (who left me and my dysfunction in the rearview) – then I found this fortune at my work: "Your power is in your ability to decide" I signed a lease for my own place away from my RA and dysfunction fam that day. It is hard to remember sometimes that we are only trapped because we are in a cage of our own decisions, and it just takes one different choice to unlock the door – I like to reread this entry when I feel trapped or hopeless: Scared? Stuck? Hey Fear, Back Off [...]

    • Amy Eden says:

      Thanks! And good for you! You know, I think the presence of fear is actually a good measure of courage. (Before the fear often comes anxiety – anxiety is present when I’m anticipating something and stuck in frozen-mode without a grasp on the actions I can take.) But when I take action and there’s Fear there…and, honestly, it tells me that I really did do something courageous. I have come to acknowledge Fear like a somewhat necessary, and somewhat interesting companion. Like, I say to it, “You can come along, if you must but don’t try to get in the way! I’m on a mission.”
      It’s great to read this and know you took action for your own sanity and peace. Yeay. :-)

  2. Woundology says:

    Very good information. Lucky me I discovered your site
    by accident (stumbleupon). I have book marked
    it for later!

  3. Johng952 says:

    I was very pleased to discover this website. I wanted to thank you for your time for this fantastic read!! ecbgcecdekgd

  4. Lorelai says:

    Hi, Amy!

    I am totally using your blog as a go to for things now. :)

    What about when you are feeling stuck, but also all of the options are overwhelming and leave you just as stuck? I have just started graduate school. Yay! Or not. Lol! I look at tuition and loans and all of the work and just don’t know that it lines up with life right now. I feel stuck there, but also feel stuck without it because I will not be advancing anywhere. I feel particularly stuck in many things, my job, my living situation, my graduate school decision, and kind of would like to pull my hair out. Or hide under a rock for awhile. Ha!

    Any advice for when this hits?

    Many thanks!

    • Amy Eden says:

      Hi! I’m glad it’s a go-to resource for you! :-)

      What came to mind when I read your note was that you’re on a path through the woods, a good path, but ON it such that you can’t see the entrance of it nor the end of the path — not right now, and there’s a kind of temporary blurring of vision. Is it possible you need a reminder of your original vision, goal, and reasons? Grad school is a BIG (awesome) endeavor, so the overwhelm is understandable. Especially with the time and money commitments, both. There’s risk and unknowns, as with life, when you commit to something :-)

      When you feel overwhelmed it’s a good moment to remind yourself why you made the choice. Remind yourself, trust your decision, and ground yourself when needed. Sounds like career advancement is your goal. And it sounds like grad school is the route there. So you have a long-term goal with short-term pain (again the path (long-term goal) in the woods (doing grad school)). Would it help to create a little poster for yourself somewhere in your house or on the desk where you study that reminds you of the long-term goal? “After this, you’ll be able to _______”

      Moments of stuck-ness are ripe for questioning. It’s a good time to identify what you’re grateful for… grateful to have gotten into grad school, grateful for cultivating your mind and skills, grateful for investing in your long-term goals, grateful for _______, grateful for ________. Fill in those blanks :-) You could do some therapeutic writing to explore these thoughts: what’s the worst thing that could happen if I continue with grad school? What’s the best thing that could happen if I continue with grad school? And then, what are the best and worst things that could happen if you do not continue? Explore all those questions openly and your stuck-ness won’t have a place to stick.

      While I was writing my book I had a mini-poster with the date on which I started the book (1-20-13) and I would go stand in front of it when I felt like (a) I would never finish it (b) wondered if I should start a new, different project, (c) felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. That little poster and sticky note kept me from “forgetting” it was important, starting other things, and to keep on with the long-term goal because it reminded me that I was on a path when I didn’t feel like I was.

      Amy

    • Amy Eden says:

      And, oh, PS: I don’t know why I didn’t add this tidbit – I was looking at a grad school program online this morning!! For counseling psychology. Yep. And thinking, “C’mon, do I really want a second graduate degree? And loan debt?” Then answering that thought, “Yeah, I DO.”

Leave a Reply