You ever notice how when you go at your partner with strong emotions, it pushes him or her away? Isn’t that weird? Ever wonder how that works, exactly? How could your important, strong, emotions become a big cow plow, ramming the person you care about most out of your path? I mean, you just want them close, right? Your only (secret, inner) wish is that they would perceive your misery behind the emotional storm and thunderbolts you’re throwing–hug you, hold you, save you from yourself.
But they just see the storm. And who wouldn’t?
When I’m in the heat of an emotional snafu, I don’t get what’s obvious. Not at all. Later, when I’ve cooled to a normal, human temperature, it’s all too obvious: Duh, my partner can’t “hear” me (well, he can sure hear me, but not hear the issue), not when I’m in a flurry and talking (in circles, scratching an emotional itch) about what sounds a lot like…blame.
A wide variety of different kinds of issues, dynamics, and arguments exist between couples–as many as there are reasons for them. Here, I’m talking about one particular kind of behavior that goes on inside us, that causes us to blame rather than own–that causes our attempts to “share” how we’re feeling, or “open up a discussion” about the relationship, etc., to totally backfire.
You’d Cheer Up if You Loved Me
(That’s along the lines of what my mother would say to me when I refused to buy her cigarettes, cases of Diet Coke, marijuana, etc. “You don’t love me!”) Children of alcoholics, addicts, depressives, narcissists, and other child-like parents (again, mom) have a habit of blaming other people for their own bad moods, bad thoughts, or vulnerabilities. Why? There’s a very sad, simple reason: our parents held us accountable for their moods and they didn’t see us as separate from themselves.
Our parents expected us to ‘fix’ their moods, to fix them. This kind of parenting fused us to them, and developed in us a sense of not only being “god-like,” but taught us on an unconscious level that it’s OK to hold those closest to us responsible for our emotional crap. And so, we grow up, get into relationships and then begin to subtly (and not so subtly) accuse the people we love of trying to hurt us. We blame others for our hurt (current hurts and the bottomless past hurt, too) even when we know in our rational mind that our partners would never try to hurt our feelings. Oh, and: we aren’t great at giving the people we’re in relationships with the benefit of the doubt.
There’s a way out of this trap. I’ve discovered it’s actually very straightforward: own your mood.
(Well, therapy is advisable too.) I’m not saying this is easy stuff, no way, but it is simple in that it involves a simple switch in how you act. The payoff is H U G E, whether it’s in this relationship or your next; you benefit by growing, being truer, and by greatly improving your communication wtih those you love and who love you.
To own your mood, you need to change your language.
You Don’t Seem Very Interested in What I’m Saying
Let’s say you’re talking with your partner and you’re excited about something, and eagerly sharing the details about it. Except, your partner is distracted by something and not listening to you as you’d like (or not how you’d imagined being listened to).
Let’s say that on this day your partner’s inattention happens to really bother you for some reason. (I mean, who knows what expectations may be lurking inside you!) You have choices in this situation: say nothing, and keep talking; stop talking and ask what’s on his/her mind; ask them to focus on you; say something passive-aggressive and storm out of the room, and more.
Try to use your most productive communication tool–language–to keep yourself from getting all victim-y and try to keep perspective, keep things in proportion, and keep the end-result you’re after in mind (I’m assuming the end result we want is understanding and to tell our story, not a huge fight that leads to hours of silence).
Know that you can trade your blame-laden ways of communicating for open, benefit-of-the-doubt-giving, and ownership-laden ones. You totally can.
The New Language of Owned Feelings
Rather than, “You never listen to me,” say: “I’m sure you want to hear my exciting news, but it looks like you’re distracted by something right now…?” This keeps them from getting defensive and provides them with a opening to re-focus on you.
Rather than, “Is this not interesting to you, or something?” say: “I really want you to give me your undivided attention, I’m excited about this thing.”
Rather than, “What’s up with you?” say: “I feel like I’m missing something–you look distracted. What’s on your mind?” Give him/her a chance to speak up, then go back to your story.
Trade in “Hello?! Anybody there? You’re totally ignoring me.” For: “I’m feeling terribly uninteresting to you right now. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but I’m feeling that way. You look distracted to me, and I’m feeling vulnerable in this moment for some reason.” If you’re having a big reaction to your partner’s distraction, you should feel safe enough to share that and do so honestly. If there’s no blame in what you’re saying, you’ll get the attentive ear you’re seeking. And maybe even a hug.
Go for Honest, and Say Little
Since I didn’t grow up with room to have my own feelings, I’m often very fuzzy-headed and confused when it comes to my initial reactions to things that bother me. I can sort it out with a little distance, but in the moment it seems easier to throw the fireball of my emotions toward my partner rather than keep it, and own it. That’s why I recommend keeping it really simple when talking about your truest, rawest feelings. I try to say very little, and avoid verbally hashing-out how I feel with my partner. “I feel vulnerable right now,” is enough. Maybe I can’t explain why, but do I need to? Not really, because any human hearing I’m feeling vulnerable is going to be disarmed by that honesty, and will listen.
Body Language is Most of Your Message
The other component of owning our crap isn’t just the verbal, but the non-verbal communication, our facial composure, our arms, how we stand, sit, etc. Words aren’t the whole package. So, be sure to check yourself–are you blaming with your eyes, or stance? We’re got to really go full throttle with this new behavior, so be sure to observe your body language and perhaps even take a mindful inventory of how you hold yourself when talking with your partner, especially when you’re feeling defensive.
Here’s some information about non-verbal communication. And here is a more analytical study of non-verbal communication if you find this stuff as fascinating as I do. (And it’s no surprise that a child of alcoholics would find non-verbal communication fascinating–having been expected to ignore non-verbal cues (despite the fact that they are 65% of communication) so often as a child. That’s another knot to detangle.)
Virtual hug -
-ae
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It seems I know this, but keep forgetting. Thanks for the reminder!
Thank you so much for this blog!!! What a service you are doing for all of us ACoAs who are trying to heal. Blessings to you.
Happy to be of service! It keeps me honest too:-)
I know. At least, once it becomes a habit, it becomes harder to forget and starts to become automatic and even uncomfortable to not do it.
Frightening! It sounds like you were a fly on the wall in my kitchen last night!
Bzzzt-bzzzt!
Sent from my iPhone
This was the story of my marriage for the first 3 years! Ten years later, this dynamic does still occasionally rear its ugly head, but we both understand it SO much better now. My husband knows that when I get “angry” I really am needing his love more than ever. And I have learned that when he “closes down” he’s protecting himself from what he perceives as an attack.
As always, it’s so good to be reminded we’re not alone! Thank you Amy for all that you do. XO
This is all so familiar