Chaotic Upbringings and the Fear of Losing Control

There are control freaks, and then there are control freaks. 

You probably didn't know that you had control issues until you began to take stock of who you really are, your behaviors and motivations, and/or began therapy–because you'd assumed that control freaks were that highly-recognizable type person who is…well, the annoying, uptight, nosey person who always has to be right, who questions you, tells you what to do every step of the way, and wants input into everything that goes on. Often, that's the person 'in charge' — the self-elected leader of the group, the once who decides what movie and what restaurant (here's a short, apt description of one.  (Not that you need a blueprint.)  Now, I'm not talking about that kind of control freak.  I'm talking about people–us–who have a very differently motivated relationship with control.

When it comes to control, we fear what has historically filled the space of its absence.  

We're not obsessed with being in control and leading people or armies.  Rather, the control we crave is a sense of control.  A sense that the ground is hard, with no sinkhole beneath us.  Why?  We live in a state of fear that things will fall apart.  Why? Because we didn't know stability, consistency, and calm in our childhoods.  We knew chaos, and we've had cortisol and adrenalin coursing through our bloodstreams ever since.  Our efforts to control the elements of our lives–from lining-up the toothbrushes and other obsessive-compulsive behavior to making sure everyone's all right and also not mad at us (not that we have given them reason to be). 

We're are people who are loss of control oriented.  Oh my, would you look at our acronym:  LOCO.

THINKING THAT THINGS ARE FALLING APART

Sometimes you're freaked out because you let your mind freak you out.

If you're a LOCO person, which everyone (everyone!) who grew up in a chaotic household is, then your issues with control and the fear of the absence of it are rooted in anxiety. 

The easiest self-test to know whether you're under the influence of anxiety is to ask yourself if you have a lot of "what if" type thoughts.  Usually, these kinds of thoughts cascade.  For example, What if I hate my new job?  What if the commute is really long, and there's lots of traffic?  What if there's an accident during my commute?  What if my boss fires me because I was late, even if it was due to an accident?  What if I'm the one in the accident and I go to the hospital?  And what if I have to go on long-term disability and only get part of my paycheck and we have to move?  What if we get thrown out of our house because we can't pay our rent? What if that causes us to divorce, then I have to raise my son on my own and then I can't even commute to my job because it's too far away from home to drop him off at daycare in the morning? Or what if I die in the accident, oh God…

And so on, and so on until your stomach is in a tight, sick knot. And it took only 30 seconds to whip up that high-level anxious thinking!

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT IF YOU THINK SO

What I do, when anxiety strikes, is to remind myself that I'm OK. You can take a deep breath and mutter it under your breath, or whisper it, or say it out-loud.  I'm okay.  I remind myself that I'm at home (in myself), that I am my own safe pace, and have nothing to fear because I contain my own provisions (my own emotional boat, blanket, and patching kit) for getting through any hardship.  I use just one or two deep breaths to get even-keeled again.  

You've figured out, or will, your own technique for soothing your fearful self.  Sometimes it helps to have a conversation in your mind with your child-self, and mentor that child — "You're going to be alright, I'm looking out for you now and you can actually trust me to look out for your best interest and do right by you."  That sort of thing – but using the script that most resonates for you.

WHEN YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE PENETRATED

Sometimes we freak out because our boundaries are crossed, or seem likely to be, and we're afraid that we won't speak up and say so.

You can also use boundary-setting to help yourself feel safe and less anxious.  I wrote about boundaries and setting them in this post.  If a situation is triggering your fears, then it might not be a situation you're emotionally ready to handle.  That's OK.  Look out for yourself and say so.  Be patient with yourself.

WHEN PLANS CHANGE

Sometimes we freak out because plans have changed and this drags us back into our childhood anxieties where things were unstable and chaotic.  Because we didn't have stability and people we could count on, as adults even a small change of plans can represent potential major chaos and emotional upheaval (aren't our partners lucky that we're wired for the battle zone — divert and stop to run an errand, now?!)  

When plans change, that's often a trigger for control issues.  You want things to go according to plan because that allows you to know what to expect and you feel safer knowing what's going to happen.  But, plans change all the time.  It doesn't mean that people are trying to mess with you, it's just life.  When things change, you can either roll with the change, or say, "Sounds like the plans are changing, and that's fine–but I need to head home and get some stuff done."  Or, you can suggest your own alteration to the plan, or oppose the change (calmly! adultly!) and say, "Well, this isn't the original plan and what I really liked about our original plan to see the movie first then eat dinner was the chance to talk about the movie with you and also go to the restaurant when it's less crowded. So, I'd say we should stick to the plan, are you OK with that?"    

Over time we'll learn that control is a state of mind — the outside world is no different whether we're in a fit of anxiety about things falling apart or whether we're cool as a cucumber.  We are what's different.  I'd rather be the cucumber. 

MEDITATION TEACHES YOUR BODY AND MIND TO SURRENDER

With meditation, you surrender and learn that you really are, in fact, OK…safe in yourself. That's a rare treat for us LOCO folk.

Meditation can be an incredibly effective vehicle for dissolving control issues.  Since our anxiety lives on a bodily level, meditation can actually reach it — meditation reaches our subconscious.  Here's a short article that explains in basic terms how to meditate, which can take 15 minutes each day — not much of a time investment, considering the payoff. 

What I love most about meditation for people who grew up in chaotic environments is that is forces us to surrender to relaxation. We must turn off our brains in order to meditate!  This is hugely liberating for people with over-active, worrisome brains.  Over time, your body understands…and quickly will begin to crave…that deep relaxation and sense of burgeoning peace.   

–ae