Overcoming a Dysfunctional Childhood, the View from South Africa

 It's not just me, not just us–adult children of alcoholics–who need to grow up in adulthood, who struggle with self-worth, and seek approval. It's not just us, the 1 in 3 who grew up with alcoholic parents (in the States, that is).  It's so, so many other individuals out there with these issues in common–there are so many others wanting to shake free of the after effects of a imperfect childhood.  

I tend to focus on post-alcoholic childhoods simply because that's my personal experience and where I feel most qualified to speak out, but I love knowing and being reminded by readers that this blog also touches those who had post-abusive, post-narcissistic, post-depressive, post-workaholic, and post-abandonded childhoods.  

We share a solidarity — across the world, in fact.  

MEETING JUDY KLIPIN

If this weren't the digital age, certainly this blog would never have happened.  And I would never have met Judy Klipin, who runs a life coaching business called Stellar Life Design based in Johannesburg.  

JUDY'S eBOOK

She wrote an ebook for Adult Children, which put a pang in my gut and tears in my eyes–it hit a nerve (wonderfully so) in me on many levels. Here's a link to purchase the eBook Into the Light by Judy Klipin.  (By today's currency exchange prices, the book's cost is $19.75 in US dollars.)

Judy told the story of her transformation to Oprah Magazine in the article, "Finding my True North."

In the book, Judy addresses the following, and more:  feelings of not deserving to have more than others, difficulties asking for help, the sense of not being good enough, believing that if you say no once you might not be asked again, believing that, "If I were better, things would be better," staying with situations because they "used to be better" even if they're no longer so, and the belief that "If I'm not needed, I will be forgotten."  Yeah. Like, you an relate…hmm?  

TRUTH ACCEPTED HERE

Judy and I met, via the Internet, last summer after she sent me an email. We finally spoke, via Skype, in late September.  I felt a connection with her that I am certain is magnified by the great distance between us. When I spoke with her–awkwardly using a headset tethered to my Mac–I had the sensation that I was talking with a gifted being.  Don't roll your eyes!  I don't mean "gifted being" as an exaggerated way of saying "really nice person," I actually mean "gifted" and "being."  In the same moment I was extremely at ease in her presence, but also distinctly self-conscious.  I felt terribly aware of my truth while speaking with Judy–her presence scattered the everyday clouds that typically dim my awareness of my true desires.  I've had this sense while speaking with only one other person, a Buddhist nun at a meditation center in Cambridge, MA, where I'd gone looking for quotes for an article.  (I've talked to religious folks and not had this feeling.) 

A WOMAN, A LIFE TRANSFORMED

Judy knows about life-transformation first-hand.  And she knows that it's not an overnight accomplishment.  After working for many years in crime and crime prevention in Johannesburg, she began taking steps, in 2001, to transform her own life (having had her first life's-purpose wake-up call after reading Martha Beck's book Finding Your Own North Star). Judy traveled all the way to the States in order to train with Martha Beck, and as of 2007 she has been professionally helping others to transform their own lives back home.  

Judy, who is an adult child of alcoholics, now works helping other adult children of alcoholics–and a wide variety of others who share their personal issues. "I work with anyone who grew up in a family environment that was absent of consistency," she explained. "In my practice there are a lot of people with parents involved in Apartheid. So lots of orphaned kids. Situations where 12-year old and 15-year old kids are the heads of household."  She uses the term Adult Children as all-inclusive.  It includes anyone who is struggling with wanting to behave like their Adult self, but has unresolved, unaddressed personal issues that cause them to behave more like the Child version of themselves. She also works with people who grew up in families where there was work-aholism, chronic illness, depression, bipolar disorder, and gambling. 

Alcoholism is a huge problem in South Africa, and Judy says there are high levels of poverty and limited access to help, support groups, and AA. "AA is more accessed by people in certain socioeconomic groupings–middle class, professional, white, resourced people," she said. "But, alcoholism, as you know, is not a class issue–it's across the board."  She says there are AA and Al-anon meetings there, and a growing awareness of that resource.  She doesn't drink, but notes that "there's a lot of alcohol in this country!"

EVER NOTICED THIS SCAR, HONEY?  

"Do you know of Harville Hendrix?" Judy asked me. (I didn't.) "Well, he invented Imago Therapy and he wrote Getting the Love You Want.  His whole premise is that when we are very small and we are developing, if we have an ego injury during our development–when we didn't get what we needed–we get a kind of "kink" or "sore" in our emotional development, which we carry along with us–we carry that scar along with us." 

She explained that this scar isn't "good" or "bad," but something to understand about ourselves, to identify in our emotional self, so that we can live better with it. 

Here's a link to the Wikipedia entry for Imago Therapy for couples and information on Harville, the man, who is based in New York and New Mexico.

Here's where Judy's words really got my heart racing. "We seek our mirror image, or our opposite, in others. This is particularly relevant to Adult Children because they didn't witness a healthy relationship and tend to unconsciously seek out inappropriate partners." 

(Oh god. This kind of analysis always causes self-doubt in me. No matter how much I believe in my choice of my life partner, I fall victim to doubt in these instances. What if I chose wrong, but I just don't know it yet? What if it all goes sour…?  What if…? I'm all too willing to assume that I got my choice wrong because I'm an ACoA…that bad love choices are inevitable).  

"We look for someone who had exactly the same wound, or–an opposite kind of wound. We are still looking to fix that wound, with the other person." 

YOU BEHAVE LIKE A PARENT…I'LL REACT LIKE A CHILD

Judy also mentioned Canadian-born psychiatrist Eric Berne, who developed Transactional Analysis, which teaches about Adult, Parent, and Child modes of behavior. 

(Here's the Wikipedia entry for Transactional Analysis. It's fascinating stuff!)  

"Eric studied the transactions that take place between people–communication. When a person unconsciously communicates from one state, it's easy for us to regress into an opposite role," she said.  

PARENT INVOKES CHILD:

For example, let's say I was late for my phone interview with Judy.  And say that when she picked up the call, she had said, "Hello?! I've been here twiddling my thumbs, waiting for you.  I am a busy person.  And you are LATE!"  (Her mode there would be Parent mode.)  It would have been interesting to see how I would have reacted.  It's quite possible that I would have regressed into Child mode, and said, "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I…Judy…do you still want to do the call (i.e., do you still want to play with me?)."  

PARENT  BARKS BACK AT PARENT:

But I could have reacted as a Parent. I could have responded with, "Well, you failed to give me your Skype ID–how do you expect people to call you on time? All my other interviews send me their phone numbers!" 

PARENT GETS AN ADULT: 

The challenge, of course, is to remain in Adult mode — no matter what mode the other person happens to have regressed into.  (It's ideal that we'd all be in Adult mode all the time, but we know this isn't reality.) "I'm sorry for my tardiness, Judy. Let's not to waste any more time and get right down to the questions I have prepared for you."   

The more I think about it, the more I see that we deal with these kinds of Parent/Child/Adult-loaded interactions all the time. Just last weekend when we left our baby with my stepmother–he started to cry as we left, and as we hesitated, wanting to give him hugs, kisses, and goodbye smiles, my stepmother said, "Just go!" (Parent role.) But I said, "We like to say goodbye to him," and we gave him our kisses, hugs, and smiles.  (Adult role.)  And, I've had interactions with clients where these roles are challenged, for sure. 

(How many of us continue to be an Adult while our parents play the Child role, I wonder?)   

Judy reassures me that, "The more time you spend practicing being in your Adult state, the more that people can react the way that they want to without trying."  Her advice is to pick an adult you admire, and model their behavior.  She uses Nelson Mandela.  "What would Nelson Mandela do?  That tool really does help to get a bit of an objective view."

A WOMAN, AN INSPIRATION

I admire Judy. I admire her for having the wherewithal to listen to her inner yearning, for making the leap (no matter how long it may have seemed to take) to becoming someone who can make her living at helping people.  Talking with her was a big deal for me.  It was a moving experience to speak with someone who takes helping others seriously.  I cannot ignore the fact that I hope to be in similar shoes to hers someday–finding a way to make a living at…this.  Talking with Judy, which I hope to do more of over time, did something to me. It invited my own inner yearning up closer to the table, up closer to my ear.  That's what I call good-scary.  

A big, virtual hug, Judy.  

–ae