What’s THAT Supposed to Mean?!

This short book is PACKED with ah-has.  It’s written by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D, and called That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships

In the book she writes about why critical comments can mean ‘solidarity’ to one person, but hostility to another.  And about why some people think being direct is the best way to be understood and others think it’s rude.

Deborah Tannen has written more than half a dozen books about conversational styles, all of which have great, wry names, like You’re Wearing That?   And, I Only Say This Because I Love You , and–one that I’ll be reviewing, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation .

We, naturally, assume that people mean what we think they’re saying.  But, do they?  How often have you gotten someone’s meaning wrong?  Or, in analyzing someone’s behavior after the fact, found yourself vacillating between various possible interpretations?  Any meaning could be true, in fact.

People mean what they say, nothing more and nothing less. But, what the heck do they mean?

This book explains that to appreciate what someone else means, we have to understand something about conversational style and have an open mind about what other people might mean by their words.

Jack visits his grandmother in a nursing home.  She boasts that she is really “in” with the nurses because they call her Millie.  Jack isn’t pleased; he thinks that they aren’t treating his grandmother with proper respect.  Jack feels the nurses are establishing toward her a footing that reinforces their position of power; she takes their using her first name as an expression of solidarity.

Who’s right in this case?  Who’s wrong?  Both.  Neither.

People like us are likely to read this book and feel a lot of relief–a lot of, “Oh, it’s not me after all.” Rather, it’s the nature of things, the nature of conversation between two individuals that makes for misunderstandings.

With a doting spouse [a woman] might find herself craving to be left alone, and with an independent spouse, [her partner] might find himself craving attention.

But, ugh, must we de-code everything someone says in order to ‘get’ them?  Maybe, but to do so always is unrealistic.  Can we give the benefit of the doubt more often?  Sure, we should.

Maybe your husband says, “Well, look for a new job,” as you begin to complain about your hard week at work.  You hear this and feel un-heard.  You feel like he doesn’t ‘get’ you.  But what’s really going on?  According to Tannen, he’s simply acting according to his species.  As are you.  So, who’s right?  Who’s being insensitive?  Anyone?

Does it make sense to feel disappointed when the comment, the suggestion, was well-intentioned, although it wasn’t what you wanted to hear?  That’s up to you, but Tannen suggests that if you let it bother you–you’re making that decision.

The book is all about growing up.

People say that this book is a marriage-saver.  (The author wrote it shortly after her divorce.)  But I don’t think it comes with that guarantee.