Triangles in Your Relationships? Highly Unstable, but Easy to Fix!

Imagine a drawing of a triangle on a blank piece of paper.

Now, imagine a line connecting that triangle to another triangle, and a line connecting that one to another triangle, and another, and another. Complicated, yes. But, let’s step back. Focus for a moment on just that original triangle on the page. Each of the three points of the triangle represents a person: you and your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/etc and the third is an “other.”

You and your partner should actually be connected by just one line — a line with an arrow on each end that symbolizes communication that flows back and forth between you two. However, when you are in a ‘triangle,’ you’ve involved a third person (or, sometimes an animal, like a pet, or an institution, or a job). That third entity fools you into feeling like it’s a stabilizing element for you and your partner — but it is not. Triangled interactions are unhealthy, according to “Extraordinary Relationships,” by Roberta M. Gilbert, MD (this book is listed to the right).

continued…

Now, I agree with this. And I love the concept! It’s simple, and visual.

I’ll explain a triangled relationship that used to exist between my father, stepmother, and I. When I was six, my father began a relationship with the woman who would become my stepmother and legal mother (they married when I was eight years old and divorced 22 or 23 years later). Now, in a healthy step family, there would be (remember that drawing on paper) a line between just my father and me, a line between just my father and his wife, and a line between just my stepmother and me — none of which would be connected. However, if you drew a drawing of our actual, unhealthy dynamic, it would show: a line connecting me to my dad, him to my stepmother, and she to me (a triangle).

In the simplest terms, triangling means that you and someone else are talking about someone who isn’t there. It can mean that you are relating to the other person by means of discussing a third party. (There are more complex versions of triangling, but that’s the basic idea.)

In my family at that time, we were all unable to interact and communicate directly, one on one, with one another without mention of the Other. We couldn’t un-stick ourselves. Each of us was, in effect, hovering in spirit when the other two were having interactions that should have been simple, direct, and one-to-one (instead it was one-to-two!) If my stepmother and I were together and NOT discussing my father (rare), then we’d drag in a different third party to complete our triangle! Most often, my stepmother would discuss my mother (whom she disliked and said incredibly disparaging things about).

Any person with co-dependency issues is likely to have triangles going on. Because co-dependency is defined by the blurring of lines between self and other, difficulty in distinguishing oneself from another (one’s needs from the needs of another), and by trouble focusing simply on oneself and one’s own needs independent from others. Is triangling a by-product of co-dependency? I don’t think that’s necessarily the case, but I think that triangling and co-dependency often hang out with the same kind of people.

From the Gilbert book:

Some common manifestations of triangling include:
*talking against the boss, the minister, or the teacher
*gossiping or talking about someone who is not present
*having an affair
*taking a morbid interest in other people’s problems
*thinking more about a child or anyone else than about one’s marriage or oneself

When my father and stepmother divorced a lot of triangling was attempted — my stepmother will still try to get conversations going about him with me, but I always change the subject and bring up a topic that doesn’t involve a third party and allows us to talk one-on-one. Similarly, soon after the divorce, my father would call me up and accuse me of taking sides with my stepmother and things like giving her “information” about him — all attempts at creating a triangle.

Here’s the take-away:

1. Get in touch with how triangling is taking place in your relationships
2. Change the subject; and, where you’re the one connecting a third party: just stop dragging third parties into your conversations and relationships (even if you have to stop mid-sentence, stop!)

For me, today, this means that starting Monday I’ve got to stop talking about the boss with co-workers (one co-worker in particular); honestly, she and I have much more interesting things to talk about!

Take care — amy eden